Many people ask me how I get this glow on my skin, soft hair and sparkles in my eyes, and I always tell them it has everything to do with me being a Greek god. Being an inhabitant of Mount Olympos has its perks. For example I have free parking space wherever I go and I get free shipping from Amazon all the time. My life is absolutely amazing.
But my morning routine actually starts the night before, at the Olympian feast. There’s no better way to end a long day of protecting agriculture and inspiring people to sing and compose and all that nonsense than to get hammered on top of a mountain in Greece.
Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘This asshole is getting shitfaced on our libations while the Greeks are drowning in debt because of the economic crisis’, but I’m an ancient Greek god, so fuck you.
Anyway, I usually wake up at sunrise, still pissed. Apollo has nothing better to do than to wake us all up, so I curse Apollo for attacking my eyes with bursts of sunlight and I curse all the owls in the world because I fucking hate owls.
When I finally manage to pull myself together, I conjure up a bottle of wine and have breakfast. I only have the best wine for breakfast, not because it’s healthier, but because I’m a god and I can do whatever I want. The wine also keeps me from being hung over, as I never really get to that part, being drunk all of the time and all that. I reckon that if I’d ever stop drinking, my head would just explode. I think that’s how Athena was born, but I’m not sure, I may want to ask dad about that.
So that’s kind of my morning routine. There’s not much to it, but if you follow my lead I’m sure you’ll be able to become a badass god as well, unless if you’re a mortal human, then you’d probably get the jaundice or maybe die of alcohol poisoning.
Cheers ya cunts.
P.S.: Don’t forget to sacrifice a lamb in my name.
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